For years I believed that without alcohol I had no reason or ability to live. My failed attempts of sobriety led to my own assumptions that I could never give up my freedom to drink and believed (and accepted) that eventually that freedom would kill me. But over a year ago I quit drinking and was able to, in my mind, bend the laws of physics that predicted a chaotic and sickly life run by alcohol. I can now see things with more optimism. If I could give up drinking anything is possible!
I believe I was born an alcoholic, a disease I inherited from my grandfathers on both sides of the family. I began indulging when I was twelve; the rest of my life would be forever changed. At the age of 15 I was taken out of my house and began three years of treatment for not only alcoholism and drug abuse, but for the sexual abuse I that has forced on my as a child. For three years (and the third being my first year at UC Berkeley) I remained sober through nail biting determination. But following a bad breakup I relapsed and things starting falling apart.
I tried to maintain school while I drank, but I soon discovered that it was one or the other. And I chose to drink. The years following were filled with depression, ECT, short-periods of sobriety, but were driven by my dedication to drinking. While others hated the person that alcohol made me into, it was the only way I felt comfortable in my own skin. Feeling like an ultimate failure when I was twenty-four, I finally gave up on any ambitions of an alcohol-free life, and accepted myself as the alcoholic I am.
I plunged into a dark depression and excused drinking as the only thing that was keeping me from killing myself. I dreamed each day of suicide and alcohol was what I used to get through each dismal day. I was tired of bombarding my family with my depression, so I kept me thoughts a secret, self-medicating myself with vodka. Only Evelyn, a neighborhood friend, knew how low I had actually sunk.
My first DUI came and went, by my second DUI would alter my life forever. The last thing I remember of that night was having a glass of wine at a local bar; the next thing I would remember was waking up in police custody with my hands handcuffed to my ankles. I would later learn that while driving two of my tires had rolled off and I had driven at least a mile on the rims of my car. I then crashed into a tree in while driving on the opposite side of the road. My car was totaled, but amazingly no one had been injured. I spent ten days in jail for this incident and am forever grateful that no one was injured in the accident.
I finally started to try and claw my way out of a dreadful pit and I led myself into. I focused on work and tried to drink less. It was then that I ran into Jason at a bar I frequented. Jason and I had gone to junior-high together and grew up around the block from each other, but it wasn't until we were reintroduced that I fell hard for this handsome and thoughtful man. I would get so nervous around him and his family that I would drink lots (while also taking anti-anxiety medication.) I was regularly blacking out and Jason started to worry about me. Jason's mom had been killed by alcoholism, and when he told me that when I drank I reminded him of his mom, the news shook my world. I loved Jason so much and did not want to cause anymore suffering than already existed. I now understood myself as the awful drunk I was, but years of failure left me with little hope for change.
I was diagnosed with endometriosis and my world was completely altered. While the condition causes daily chronic pain that I might have to live out my life with, endometriosis also freed me from the chains that alcoholism had around my ankles. When I drank, the pelvic pain I would then endure was beyond manageable, and so my only option was to finally ban the evil poison from my life. I quit then and there. Giving up alcohol has left me with great strength and a renewed optimism. I truly believe that if I was able to give up drinking, anything is possible! I have taken back the confidence that alcohol falsified and, for the first time in my life, I truly believe that the sky's the limit!
2 comments:
Michelle, you are a very strong person and I believe that you can conquer this demon. I'm all the way behind you. I recently stopped drinking too because I don't like the person I become when I am drunk. Remember those late night parties and bar hopping we used to have at Berkeley? Those were good times and bad times. But I believe now we can have fun even without drinking as long as we have our loved ones by our side. Let's put those drunken memories in a treasure chest and enjoy the many years more to come of happiness!
What a powerful image of you crawling out of that pit and finding the sky's the limit! i agree with you and Pingchien that having loved ones by our side is the best type of high.
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