I am trying a new regiment of pain medication that is really helping my ability to function. Jason and I have not fought for two weeks. Without pain, we have few fights, and without hurt we have less regrets. Jason and I have been loving each other and getting along as the best friends we are. Fights and my awful part in them almost led to the end of Michelle and Jason.
For about six months we fought… fought… and fought. I would say that 90% of our fights are started by me and more than half of that 90% were days of breakthrough of break through pain in which an extremely cranky and hurting Michelle just took her own pains out on Jason. My emotions are all out of whack. Successfully communicating a hurt feeling without lashing out is an example of my dysfunctional communication skills. When I get sad or when I am struggling is physical pain, I get angry at Jason, and then we fight. I fight with hurtful and abusive words that Jason will never forget. Apologies don't erase the memories. The things I then say are words I will forever regret. When in this state I say things that I know will hurt him most; I say things that are not even appropriate for an enemy. And I say these awful to the man who has made me the happiest I have been ever been. But all the love for this man still doesn't protect him from my evil words that belittle him as a man and hurt his heart. I have been blessed with not only an extremely forgiving family, but the best fiance and best-friend I could ever dream to have. But I am sure that if I continue hurting the people who mean the most to me, I will end up alone and very sad. And the things I have said to my mom through an angry camouflage … if only they were words quickly past. I have screamed, or rather communicated horrible things to my mom, my dad, Nini, and Jason; I hurt the people I love most, and this is why I need to get help. Unless I plan on living a life alone I need to address and find help in managing my anger. Since Kaiser offers an anger management class I figure that will be a great place to start.
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