"Jason and Michelle Forever"

Painful Words

Aloha and welcome to apartment 206

I am trying a new regiment of pain medication that is really helping my ability to function. Jason and I have not fought for two weeks. Without pain, we have few fights, and without hurt we have less regrets. Jason and I have been loving each other and getting along as the best friends we are. Fights and my awful part in them almost led to the end of Michelle and Jason.

For about six months we fought… fought… and fought. I would say that 90% of our fights are started by me and more than half of that 90% were days of breakthrough of break through pain in which an extremely cranky and hurting Michelle just took her own pains out on Jason. My emotions are all out of whack. Successfully communicating a hurt feeling without lashing out is an example of my dysfunctional communication skills. When I get sad or when I am struggling is physical pain, I get angry at Jason, and then we fight. I fight with hurtful and abusive words that Jason will never forget. Apologies don't erase the memories. The things I then say are words I will forever regret. When in this state I say things that I know will hurt him most; I say things that are not even appropriate for an enemy. And I say these awful to the man who has made me the happiest I have been ever been. But all the love for this man still doesn't protect him from my evil words that belittle him as a man and hurt his heart. I have been blessed with not only an extremely forgiving family, but the best fiance and best-friend I could ever dream to have. But I am sure that if I continue hurting the people who mean the most to me, I will end up alone and very sad. And the things I have said to my mom through an angry camouflage … if only they were words quickly past. I have screamed, or rather communicated horrible things to my mom, my dad, Nini, and Jason; I hurt the people I love most, and this is why I need to get help. Unless I plan on living a life alone I need to address and find help in managing my anger. Since Kaiser offers an anger management class I figure that will be a great place to start.

The Fine Line Between Physical and Emotional Pain

Aloha and welcome to apartment 206!

Without any fights and supported by unconditional love Jason and I share, I am proud to recognize two weeks of simplicity. For both Jason and I, the adjective "complicated" easily describes our daily experiences. So much of our daily energy is spent battling the conditions of both physical and emotional pain, how we have energy to battle each other at the end of the day is pretty much miraculous.

Behind a clean shirt are combed hair, Jason's daily battle against Obsessive Compulsive Disorder can be best described by word "chaotic". Every day when Jason awakes it is immediately interested in neither the weather or the news. After only ten minutes wakened minutes, Jason has already fought his first battle against the obsessions that consume him. Following this battle regarding his fear of hearing damage, he is prepared for another fight as be tries to protect his mind from an all-consuming anxiety that dominates his life.

Behind a pink sweater and polished blond hair, my own personal battle against the demons of chronic pain can be best described as "unpredictable." While Jason battles the anxiety emotional pain, I fight a daily battle against chronic physical pain and strength I must summon when if that day is going to be a bad pain day. And alike Jason, my battle against unpredictable pain has already begun upon the opening of my eyes. My hands throb every morning I awake and my fingers are hard move. I quickly take my medication and pray that today my pain will be manageable enough to attend work

Years of therapy battling chronic depression, Insomnia, the consequences of early childhood sexual abuse, and severe alcoholism have made me a strong woman. In addition, my ability to quit drinking gives me hope that anything is possible. Three years ago I was praying for death, drinking like a sailor, and crying in secret. But the illness that freed me from the bonds of alcoholism keeps me jailed in another way.

Approximately a year and a half ago I began to experience pelvic cramping and pain in addition to periods that were already extremely painful. For almost a year doctors tried to determine the cause of the constant cramping and sharp pains that first led doctors to remove my appendix. Unsatisfied by an unanswered I did my own personal research and discovered information about a disease called endometriosis which bloody sores scatter the outside of the uterus. As I read more and more about the condition I grew was convinced that endometriosis has going to be my new enemy.

After an unsuccessful month of various medications and multiple tests, my own research had convinced me that it was time for surgery. With my mom along for moral support we had to pretty much beg the doctor to proceed with the necessary surgery. Though doubtful, he finally agreed to proceed with surgery.

The unresolved condition led to the immediate rejection of alcohol from my diet. Following a night of drinking, the extreme pain that I suffered the next day led me to a visit to the emergency room. While convinced that the drinking and the pain was coincidental, I experienced the same intense pain following another night of drinking. That was when I gave up drinking. The amount of pain that alcohol causes my already sore body just was not worth it anymore. And I haven't drunken, or really even wanted to, since.

To little of my own surprise, the surgery confirmed my diagnosis that I did, in fact, have endometriosis. During the surgery, using a very small laser, some of the larger sores were burned off leaving only the unmovable sores.

Already dependent on medication that kept my pain manageable most days I joined the chronic pain clinic that as offered at Kaiser. I attended a class for 12 weeks which met for 4 hours each week. It was incredibly helpful to learn that even a small cup of decaffeinated coffee has enough caffeine to cause breakthrough pain. Breakthrough pain occurs when the regular daily pain spikes to irregularly high level. I have learned from my own experiences that my only answer for breakthrough pain is staying in bed with a heating pad and the comfort that eventually the pain will ease. Episodes last sometimes only hours, but can last as long as three days. I have discovered nothing (pill-wise) that helps the pain reaches what I call the point of no return. The class taught me some useful information but still I struggled to successfully and reliably maintain the pain. Having already been forced by my condition to quit my job I got depressed; my depression led to more pain which in turn led to more sadness. The doctor assigned to me by the clinic was not only completely unhelpful, but was rude as well. He would tell me things like "you really shouldn't be in so much pain." Before I was officially diagnosed with endometriosis it was like every doctor was convinced that the pain was just in my head. And let me tell you, the only thing worse than bad pain is being told you're not really in pain and that the whole thing was in my head.

Unlucky as I am, I soon after developed cub ital tunnel syndrome in my left elbow and carpel tunnel in both right and left hands. Following another surgery aimed to release pain caused by my elbow condition I developed cub ital tunnel syndrome in my left arm and car pol tunnel in both hands half-way through the pain management class. After being told that because my hand and elbow symptoms did not appear until halfway through the class, there was nothing the pain clinic could do for the hand and elbow pain because it was for pelvic pain that I was referred to the clinic.

I stuck it out with the inconsiderate doctor until the class ended, after which my primary care physician, Dr. B, agreed to managed my pain medication.

Pain has plagued my life since. I wake up with pain in my hands and go to sleep with pain in my pelvis. But two weeks ago I met with my doctor and we both agreed to put me on a long acting opiate that I take only twice daily. For the first time since the pain began, I feel hopeful that I will be able to return to work soon and stop yelling at Jason. Dr. B is very critical about using opiates for non-cancer pain and under his supervision I feel protected by the care he gives and the medication dosages he prescribes. The new medicine isn't filled with acetemetaphine like the Norco I was taking 7 times a day. While some people regard pain medication as poison, for me it is my savior. I can tell you right now that I would rather lose five or ten years of my lifespan in exchange for pain free years of quality.

The switch to the long-term opioid two weeks ago definitely factored into the simple week that Jason and I have enjoyed. Even though I was on Norco before the change, following a year at basically the same dosage I grew a tolerance to the medication and was experiencing breakthrough pain that conflicted with the job that I still hope I have and an embarrassing dinner with friends in which I was forced to leave early due to stomach cramps. I really hope to get off these medications and will definitely be good during pregnancy, but after long contemplations I come to the table with the opinion that I would rather live a life of free of pain, even if it costs me a couple years in my elderly age.

Without my medications Jason and my relationship might have also been a lost cause. When I am struggling with pain and the medication is failing to deal with it, I often make Jason have to deal with it. I become a critical and am just down right mean. I take out my physical pain on whoever is on my radar, which usually includes the people and family I am closest to. I am trying to change and now regularly address and apologize when I cross the line. While my parents say the medication is poison, without it I would surely drive them away as well.

I plan on attending an anger management class when I come up with some extra cash because I am truly scared that my inability to properly communicate with people could cost me not only the Jason, love of my life, but healthy relationships with my direct family. I am super sensitive and behind a tough exterior I hide my insecurities. So when I am racked with hurt or when I am frustrated with my medication's feeble and unsuccessful attempt while dealing with a pain flare up I yell and take out my hurt (whether physical or emotional) on the people I love most. Why I am meanest to the people I love most is a not only a confusing flaw, but flaw with possibly devastating consequences. I am lucky to have a caring boyfriend, a caring mom and a father I can only hope to impress some day. My mom, my dad, my sister Nini, and my fiance Jason are the people I love unconditionally. Most important, I am lucky to come from a forgiving family that has put up with the chaos I brought with me from my mother's womb.

One month ago I found out that in Redwood City there is a pain clinic that specializes in chronic pelvic pain. When I heard this news I wanted to cry with relief; but I don't want to I'm so excited to meet with a doctor who specializes in endometriosis on May 12. It's just too bad it took Kaiser over a year to recognize that I might need a pelvic pain specialist was right around the corner. Together I hope to at least lower the amount of pain medication needed to muffle the pain, but unless I get off the pills completely I will have to halt wishes of pregnancy and risk infertility.

The beginning... sort of.

Aloha! My name is Michelle and Jason is my boyfriend. We live together in apartment 206 .

For years I have dealt with depression and personality disorder. Since the the age of twelve I have been in and out of hospitals dealing with chronic depression and alcoholism. At the age of I began treatment for depression through electro consulsive therapy (ECT). By the age of 25 and after more than 30 treatments I was left alive but with severe long and short term memory loss. I met Jason at the age of 27 at a time when Alcoholism consumed me. A year later, I was diagnosed with endotriosis and stopped drinking. While I still struggle against the demons of depression, chronic pelvic pain has interrupted my life in a new and different way. Though free from alcohol, I am dependent on medication that, while allowing me to function, controls my life. With the medication I am free from the bonds of pain, but without it I can do little but lay in bed. I want to share with you my battle to get better.

And now I will given a little bit on Jason. Some people battle chlostrophobia, and others dread the thought of germs. Jason fears loud noise and ear damage. A year ago, an accidently experience in which one of his best-friends lit a firecracker nearby, Jason's mental state crashed from his fear and beleif that the firecracker did permanent damage. His battle with OCD began when we has a teen, but as he has aged his symptoms increased to his present state that has completely interrupted his life. When Jason was 22, his mother died from alcoholism; only months later one of his best friends was murdered. Consumed by so much anxiety and obsession Jason presently unable to work or properly attend any treatment his health care permits. At present he is eagerly awaiting possible treatment at the McLean Psychiatric Hospital is Massachussetts.

So that is a little bit of background on the people who live in apartment 206. Behind a red door we still laugh and love and this is what I want to share.